Archive for the ‘musings’ Category

I’ve missed sitting down at the computer over the last few weeks. So many thoughts, emotions and bits of information have been spinning around in my mind. I often find the art of putting it to words, also helps clarify things for me and perhaps even more helpful, connects me to others out there. I am constantly amazed by the people who have told me they read these posts, or some of our other communication and have found a connection. In each of those conversations, another connection is formed, and an opportunity for conversation.

Where to begin. So many thoughts and topics to choose from. Let’s start with the one that has occupied so much thought over the last few weeks and months, and one that I have hesitated to talk about for fear that it may be too controversial or personal.
But, as I have found, those are often the one with the greatest lessons.
So here we go, Breastfeeding.
Early on in my pregnancy a friend shared an article with me, which I share here…At the time, I don’t think I could completely appreciate what a gift this was.
You see, I have always been some one, who is fairly hard on myself. Usually thinking, in any situation about what I could have done better and what I might do differently next time. Pushing myself to fully appreciate and enjoy what I have been given in life, but trying hard as well to make sure others feel good about who they are and what they have done. The journey toward motherhood has been a bit different. Slowly at first, giving voice to my own strong desire to have children and to expand our family. Reaching out for help along the way, and following our own desires about when and how we would proceed with the recomendations that were made to us. Being thrilled to find out that we were pregnant with twins and knowing as well, this is what was meant to be. Taking each day of the pregnancy in stride, an easy few months, with a small amount of bedrest and finally our wonderful girls born via c-section.
All through out, knowing that as each part of the journey presented itself, we would know what to do and would trust that things were happening as they were meant to. I truly feel blessed and would not change a thing. Questions or comments were made by some along the way, implying that there were elements of this journey that were greater or less then others…To me this held no weight or interest. What was of interest, was letting others know when it came up that our own journey through IVF was the greatest path to motherhood I could take. That in waiting to find the right husband, that years had passed and those years made our own chances rather slim. That having a planned ( and then emergency ) c-section, was the right thing for us to do for the health of our daughters and for me…as I shared those stories and are path, providing others with the hope that they too could see a future as they had hoped, and that the art of parenting is not about how you got there, but what to do when you arrive could provide comfort.

Perhaps, that is why, for the first time, in the role of parent, I have struggled with the first of many decisions to come.
The struggle around how long I could breastfeed. I think at first, I set out as I had through out my pregnancy. Pleasantly surprised that I was able to nurse both the girls, I was thrilled to have gotten some really kind and helpful advice while I was in the hospital. Yes, there were some contradictory ideas from some of the nurses, and some over enthusiastic types who made me fear I was doing it wrong, but then, just when I needed it most, the kind patient teacher arrived on the scene, and I admit I was able to truly relax. Rented pump in hand as we left the hospital, I felt confident and was off to a good start.

Over the next few weeks, balancing nursing, pumping and some ( minimal ) amounts of formula, we all found our rythym. The girls were happy and growing, I felt good about the process and my husband and our older kids could participate as well.

As time passed, a good routine, and some observations that started to enter my mind…
No need to go into the specific ( though I am happy to if interested ) but I will say this, trust yourself, believe in yourself and allow yourself the love and support of your life partner. There is a community of people out there as well who have made choices that have worked well for them, and are happy to share. Hear it not as a model of what you should do, but as a reminder that for as many parents as there are, there is that number of examples of what and how to do something. The friend who shares that she breastfed her twins for 18 months, is not putting that out for you to march towards as a goal but as something she is proud of. She was equally supportive in telling you the pains that came along the way. The friend that shared that she couldn’t breast feed with one of her children, but did with the others until about 4 months was equally trying to show support and the delicate nature of this topic..At 9 weeks, it was time for me to start to transition to bottle feeding only..

So, I learn again, and it is here I want to share what I have come to understand.

1. I need to allow myself to fully participate in every experience, and not be afraid of sharing the fantasy or picture of what is in my mind.
2. Get comfortable connecting with any struggles that I come up against. Sit, and reflect on what I am really thinking and feeling.
3. Be honest about these thoughts and feelings. Talk with my husband and father of our children. His support, love and honesty is unwavering ( and he has an amazing capacity to be both emotionally aware and incredibly well informed )
4. Take the time to learn and read about the subject at hand.
5.Think about what is best for our family, our children and for us and individuals. Appreciate that every family is different and stay connected and clear on what is best for us.
6. Open up to the community of women who are around me, and have nothing but love and good intention in their heart ( more on this another day )
7. Be patient when looking for an answer and be honest when I have come up with one.
8. Follow my heart and forgive myself.

So, I go back again to February and the sharing of the article by my friend. In sharing, she tried to tell me all of the above. That there is no best way, and that like so many who have struggled before me, it is about making choices and trusting that in the end, the love and the good intention will all come through.

photo from here

The last 8 weeks have gone by so quickly. Our girls are now officially two months old. During the last 8 weeks, we’ve fallen in love, bonded as a family, connected with old and new friends and experienced countless nights of minimal sleep. I would not trade this for the world.
A few friends have asked what has been most surprising, and then most joyful, and I must say all of it.
For some reason, I have had few notions of what it was going to be like, but quite a few fears I realized. On one hand accepting as we went, even from the beginning, what ever is and adjusting accordingly. From the day we found out we were having twins to the first appointment with our doctor, each day and experience is yet another page in the book.
On the other hand, I wondered quietly about breast feeding, how to balance being a mother and working, the impact of the twins on our older children, the best type of child care for us, how to find time for just my husband and myself.

I guess surprises me the most, is just how content I feel and yet how the longings of who I have been pull me in different directions. The pull of being a mom, and working.. Days spent hanging out with the girls, feeding, holding, changing pass so quickly and then moments of wanting and needing to use my mind. The pull of breastfeeding and feeling like that in itself is a full time task with twins..Knowing the benefits but also that I need to be rested, connected and present for the rest of our family and myself. Knowing as well, it is just hard.

I come to the place of trying to figure out how to make that all work and wanting so much to learn and talk to other people yet again. Wanting not to compare how we each do against each other, but to learn more about how much each of us, and our children are different. To know, that we are all facing the same challenges and that we can support each other and share our own stories. Loving time with friends that can honestly laugh and recollect these moments..

So yes, I guess there is a big surprise. Understanding now truly, that the community of women, mothers, stepmothers, women alike have so much to share with each other. The stories, the struggles, the memories, the recommendations, the honest moments are what allow us all to become. The storyteller and the recipient alike.

That truly listening and laughing along the way is what allows us to have the strength and confidence to make the best choices for us and our family. That I have a really strong desire to spend time with people that have this outlook in life. That through that real sense of community, I will have the best chance of helping all of our children and all of us, become our best selves.

Thank you to all of you who have shared, and lead me along the way…I truly would not be here with out you.

Wishing you all the best on Father’s Day…and hoping your wishes come true.
Click on the beautiful note above.

I can ( and can’t ) believe that I have not sat for a moment and captured all of the amazing experiences and emotions from the last few weeks. Since May 4th, and honestly for months prior, my mind and heart have been filled with so many thoughts and feelings. Posts written, journal entries made and notes to my daughters written all in my mind. These are the realities of a new mom.

There is so much that has happened and that has changed in a few short weeks, where to begin.

1. The love of family and friends, and the importance of Community:
I think the biggest surprise and gift has been the amazing connection with the girls and the realization that we have an incredible family, great friends and a community of people ( some known and some new over these last weeks ) in our lives. Often with the day to day stuff that we are often involved in, I miss this and am so focused on “doing” or “getting” something done. I think that in part part of creating or building a family is the opportunity to build it with others and recognize all of the emotions that are present and truly experiencing them. Life is about living rich and emotional lives, connected with people and allowing all to grow.
Over the last few weeks many people have said ( along w/more articles then I can count ) make sure to nap and limit visitors which is wonderful advice. We have found though that our family and friends have been a great source of love, joy and encouragement and that we want to make sure all of them are able to participate and that the girls have the chance to feel and build on this love.
For us this means starting slowly with family and super close friends, with some days that are visitor free and truly allowing everyone to connect during these times..Lots of holding and bonding with the girls, tons of photos, easy and casual conversation and simple snacks to keep life easy.

2. Understand your families priorities and build on these dreams.
Since we were expanding our family, and I was experiencing motherhood for the first time, there is/was a delicate balance of making sure our older kids could completely connect and participate with their sisters, and for me making sure I was taking care of the girls and watching over them. With our three older kids desirous of holding, helping and just hanging out with the babies, I found myself getting a bit anxious at times. In a few short days, Scott and I found things that they could do with ease, and that made them feel good and a complete part of the process. As older brothers and sisters, there was such pride and simple adjustments made us all feel a part of our new family.
Our simple thoughts…
-Older kids always have to be seated when holding the girls, and putting them in the crib, stoller or walking around was a role for the parents. The nursing pillow should always be on their lap to give the babies more support-and helps them get into a different frame of mind
-Nap time should happen in a different enviornment so kids are not tempted to wake or interact with the babies..Still working on this, and in the interim have given our youngest a nickname “Boy who wakes sleeping sisters ” Sharing that the babies grow the most when sleeping, and that they will be able to do more once they grow helps a bit !
-Come up with ideas for them to participate; taking a walk and pushing the stroller, picking out an outfit for the day, reading a book at night are all great ways for them to help.
-Take lots of photos of the kids with their new siblings. Definately send them to teachers and depending on age, share so they can send to friends. I totally undersestimated how proud they would be, and their desire to share. If possible, an outing to a school event once ok with you and the pediatrician ( looking only-no touching! ) is a great way for all of their worlds to come together.

3. Know yourself
I feel fortunate to have an amazing and supportive husband. Emotionally connected and very aware of what challenges might come up for me/us- breast feeding, physical challenges and changes, emotional ups and downs, feeling a bit isolated and general personal care where all things that we talked about and laughed about. With his understanding and gentle and loving support-meals were made, breast feeding and feedings were shared by both of us, self care and daily routines ( ok-sometimes I miss a day ) were made easy and friends and family were welcomed with love.
Knowing as well that he was only home for a few weeks, social connections were made for the days and weeks ahead. Friends that I had always wanted to spend time with but had not, a plan for some help during the week and a continued connection with those we had learned so much from..new moms group, lactation specialists and regular calls with family.

The most important thing I have learned is to allow yourself to truly connect with what ever I am feeling, to talk with him and to laugh. On the day I was feeling guilty about suplementing nursuing with formula, I also calculated that I would spend 16 hours or more nursing if I did not do that..After a night when I found myself thinking about not changing a diaper so I could get 5 more minutes of sleep, we laughed about thinking the same way, and came up with a new plan that worked like a dream. After a tramautic first bath experience, he made a festive champagne cocktail-the first drink in more then 12 months..

Ok, I could go on and on…what I am desirous of now, is capturing, sharing and learning from others during this amazing time. There is so much to learn, love and laugh about and such a community. So, over the next weeks, months and years, I can see many a post about the lessons of parenting. What I would most love is to build on these stories together…There is a longer term vision here, and this is just the begining.

So in that spirit, please do share..Resources, stories and anything that comes to mind. As I have learned so well in the last weeks and months, it will be more meaningful and rewarding for us all.

We are in countdown/waiting mode. A few weeks ago, after a really smooth pregnancy ( It was getting there that was the hard part ) we had a bit of a scare and ended up in the hospital. All was fine in the end, and after 4 days of monitoring, steroid shots, antibiotics and one shot to stop the contractions, I was back at home officially on bed rest. At first, a bit odd. Getting home, and seeing the world from the comfort of a couch bed in our family room, was hard. I did not know how to interact and participate with out “doing”. The kids went about their afternoon activities, and after visiting me at the hospital the day before, were relieved that I was home and surprised that the twins were still inside. My husband as always found away for all of us to connect with our thoughts and feelings, and to experience this new phase of our family together. The visit to the hospital allowed everyone to see that all was okay and to know what was really going on. Just experiencing the fear and mystery and allowing us all to talk and be together was a gift. For years as a child, there was much that was “kept” from us…

Over the next few hours and days, my mind kept going back to memories of my mother. During her years of illness, she was in and out of the hospital for months at a time. Each time, I now imagined, re entering the world she never wanted to leave in the first place. While I always knew how hard those years were for her, I could see them more from my own vantage point. As a daughter who at the age of 8 lost her mom to a world that she could not fully understand, and grew a fierce independent streak for fear of losing others. With so many of the adults in our life focusing so much on her illness and path to recovery, my world and sense of self was all developed ( strongly I might add ) outside of our home. Over the years, this became my way in the world.

And here we are now, Ironic that right before giving birth to our daughters a first hospital stay. An opportunity to connect with the past, and to see things so differently. Next up, a doctor’s order to stay at home on bedrest, forcing me to slow down and reprioritize and truly get ready for these girls to come. In every way possible opening up to a complete family process and all the love that is between us.
Talking with my Dad, Brother, Stepmother and Aunt almost every day and hearing my stepmother initiate conversations about the past, the only one knowing or corageous to know what might have been triggered in my mind.

Our family being together, talking together and truly loving together as each moment is a new step forward.

It goes with out saying I think, that I feel incredibly blessed. I think for so many obvious reasons, and perhaps many less so.

When I was first told I was on bedrest, an outpouring of ideas of how to spend my time, and how bored I might get..Somehow, even then I knew this would not be an concern. That in many ways, this was a test and an opportunity, to stop doing and start becoming.

For these last few weeks have actually been a gift. A forced time to stop, and connect with our life and with all of the amazing people in it. To understand the magnitude of becoming a parent and to continue to view the world through my own perspective and those of others. To really and truly know that the hardest, most meaningful, and most rewarding work I will ever do is within these four walls of our home: with our family.