We are in countdown/waiting mode. A few weeks ago, after a really smooth pregnancy ( It was getting there that was the hard part ) we had a bit of a scare and ended up in the hospital. All was fine in the end, and after 4 days of monitoring, steroid shots, antibiotics and one shot to stop the contractions, I was back at home officially on bed rest. At first, a bit odd. Getting home, and seeing the world from the comfort of a couch bed in our family room, was hard. I did not know how to interact and participate with out “doing”. The kids went about their afternoon activities, and after visiting me at the hospital the day before, were relieved that I was home and surprised that the twins were still inside. My husband as always found away for all of us to connect with our thoughts and feelings, and to experience this new phase of our family together. The visit to the hospital allowed everyone to see that all was okay and to know what was really going on. Just experiencing the fear and mystery and allowing us all to talk and be together was a gift. For years as a child, there was much that was “kept” from us…
Over the next few hours and days, my mind kept going back to memories of my mother. During her years of illness, she was in and out of the hospital for months at a time. Each time, I now imagined, re entering the world she never wanted to leave in the first place. While I always knew how hard those years were for her, I could see them more from my own vantage point. As a daughter who at the age of 8 lost her mom to a world that she could not fully understand, and grew a fierce independent streak for fear of losing others. With so many of the adults in our life focusing so much on her illness and path to recovery, my world and sense of self was all developed ( strongly I might add ) outside of our home. Over the years, this became my way in the world.
And here we are now, Ironic that right before giving birth to our daughters a first hospital stay. An opportunity to connect with the past, and to see things so differently. Next up, a doctor’s order to stay at home on bedrest, forcing me to slow down and reprioritize and truly get ready for these girls to come. In every way possible opening up to a complete family process and all the love that is between us.
Talking with my Dad, Brother, Stepmother and Aunt almost every day and hearing my stepmother initiate conversations about the past, the only one knowing or corageous to know what might have been triggered in my mind.
Our family being together, talking together and truly loving together as each moment is a new step forward.
It goes with out saying I think, that I feel incredibly blessed. I think for so many obvious reasons, and perhaps many less so.
When I was first told I was on bedrest, an outpouring of ideas of how to spend my time, and how bored I might get..Somehow, even then I knew this would not be an concern. That in many ways, this was a test and an opportunity, to stop doing and start becoming.
For these last few weeks have actually been a gift. A forced time to stop, and connect with our life and with all of the amazing people in it. To understand the magnitude of becoming a parent and to continue to view the world through my own perspective and those of others. To really and truly know that the hardest, most meaningful, and most rewarding work I will ever do is within these four walls of our home: with our family.